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Last year for Halloween Isobel was The Wasp from the Avengers. We made her costume ourselves. Have a great weekend!
What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further. Learn more about it in my FAQ.See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.
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NicestHippo The Pope should stay out of politics. Leave that to me, an idiot on the Internet
TheThomason Pitch: The Pope tours America with his buddies who constantly try to get him laid. “The 78-Year-Old Virgin.”
RiverClegg Anyone can make a difference. I approach random children and explain the plot of “Space Jam.”
kerihw you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone, or in the case of some subtle sexually transmitted diseases, ever
MattFnWallace Inauguration Day, 2017 *President Trump takes the stage* *He sheds his skin* *It’s Rick Astley* *sings* “Never gonna give you up…”
zusty Just remembered a dream in which someone said this as if it was a truism: “Thrown bats don’t bring cats!” “True enough,” I said.
mocoddle When the cats get too rowdy I tell them they’re loose cannons, the mayor is gunning for my ass, & that I’ll need their guns & their badges.
alexanderchee Falling asleep in the dentist chair without an aesthetic may be a sign my work life balance needs adjusting.
owlparliament I forgot to tell you that today I heard someone refer to a raccoon as a “trash panda”
ch000ch hello this is ur captain speaking. if u look out the left of the plane you’ll see ur mom. lmaooo owned. now let’s fly this piece of shit
CaseyNewton Y’all are so excited about a rat nudging a pizza slice down three stairs and running away. In my day we watched llama escapes on live TV
BeTheBoy On Sunday nights I lay out all of my hot takes for the week. It saves so much time.
rachelle_mandik “I’ll devour everything. Whatever.” —super passive black hole
trevso_electric Mason Jars are named after his first son. DIY soaps compete to wash him. Weddings plan him. He is, the most Pinteresting man in the world.
ericsshadow [anniversary dinner] HER: tell me something that will make my heart race ME: my credit card got declined
Rockawayprod *grizzled Kermit sits in cyberpunk cafe* the world is breaking down, going to shit. Humanity is doomed….. But that’s none of my business
pickledino My 401k is full of potatoes.
Dawn_M_ Long story short; if you put bees in your vagina it sounds like a vibrator but doesn’t feel like one.
Karate_Horse i am in such bad shape that I have to get prescription shirts
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tinynietzsche It’s Your Funeral, Charlie Brown
Jake_Vig Becoming more efficient by storing some of my hate on the cloud.
GregMorabito Fact: Instead of writing the date on a check, you can just write the corresponding food holiday. The bank will know what’s up.
dubouchet If I’m feeling lonely in my office I just fart and within seconds a coworker always walks in.
jessokfine I just said “what the fuck is happening?!” because there were a bunch of leaves swirling around outside my car. I am chill.
mocoddle Was thinking about the Munsters. She’s a vampire, he’s Frankenstein’s monster, and their son is a wolfboy? Somebody cheated.
aparnapkin The best time to reevaluate your life is when the online video you’re watching is buffering
Cpin42 [interrupts quarterback during huddle] “MY PENIS IS NORMAL SIZE.”
jessokfine *erases “Days Since Last Dropping Phone Onto Face” board* *writes 0*
oldmanweldon So sing us a song, you’re the piano man. It’s your fucking job to play the piano
Elizasoul80 People doing the speed limit are on their way to the dentist.
rstevens It’s a meme, Mario
sarcasticvoice I’m feeling a lot of pressure to think up a clever name for my wi-fi network. So far I’ve got “Kevin Dracula,” “The Zodiac Killer’s wi-fi”
joshgondelman I use the word “delightful” way too often for a guy who doesn’t own a candy factory.
sarcasmically I’m wearing camo today so you guys probably can’t even see this tweet lol
TheBosha I should have a late night talk show where celebrities come on and try to explain to me who the fuck they are.
Karate_Horse No one is talking about what happens when santa has to poop. He basically just turds off the side. A lot of kids get crapped on to be honest
TheThomason My middle school science fair project was “Which molds first: bread, cheese, or an apple?” That’s all it was. I should’ve been jailed.
TheTimmyToes (car dealer) is the passenger seat also heated? “Aww for ur wife?” *imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru* Yes.
murrman5 *shipwrecked diary* /DAY 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab /DAY 2: I have married the crab. /DAY 3: I have eaten my wife.
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pleatedjeans If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
batkaren The key to an artful dick pic is hiring a gifted scrotographer.
thelindywest “Mr. Darcy is engaged to MY daughter. Resistance is futile.” – Lady Catherine de Borg
Betette A horror film where the only person you can call for help is AT&T Customer Service.
gianni_bcn I CAME, I SAW, I became anxious, had a panic attack, and called my grandma to pick me up.
papasuncle Starting a distillery can be whiskey business.
WarrenIsDead every time a gritty male action hero is described as “brooding” just remember that “brooding” literally means “sitting on eggs to warm them”
50NerdsofGrey ‘So,’ she said, entering his bedroom, ‘This is where the magic happens.’ ‘Oh yes,’ he smiled, putting on his Harry Potter glasses and cloak.
AlexSchmidty Age ain’t nothin but a number. Money ain’t nothin but a number. Oxygen levels ain’t nothin but a number. BOW BEFORE NUMBERS’ TERRIBLE POWER
CalmTomb Least Loved Kids Books: – 200 Pages of Set Up – Only Losers Read – The Adventure That Turned Out to Be Math Problems
kool_egg If you missed something on the History Channel, don’t worry they’re doomed to repeat it.
hazelmotes1 This baby is terrible at dodgeball.
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Maxine12333 Meditate? I thought you said medicate, too late but I’m fine now.
What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further. Learn more about it in my FAQ.See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here.